WOW

its been for fucking ever.


ill write my whole life story tomorrow.

longtime

well its definatly been fucking forever since i posted. not that it matters because noone reads my stuff, i have no followers, but thats the point cause i mean, this is only for me. still in iowa, still kinda miserable. but i love my bestfran and my boyfran forsre :) things with robby have been better then ever and im so unbelieably stoked about it. i was confused for awhle because someone showed me things and feelings of how relationships should be and how someone should be to me. but then i realized its not like relationships stay that way forever. theres always that long rough patch and if its really worth it, youll still be together. and look, we are. and i wouldnt have it any other way. as lame as it is, hes the reason im here. and i couldnt be happier with anyone else but him. (ps i suck at spelling everything ) my bestfran is my life and i dont know what i would do without her. also started hanging out with sammy again, and im stoked cause ive missed her a lot. me and her and sydne have been hanging together which is really rad. my birthday is coming up and im super stoked. theres so many things i want that i dont know what to ask for from certain people. and certain things i want the most are just so expensive i know i wont get it. i really want a mac latop but thats way to much money for a birthday. but i dont want it forf xmas cause im greedy and want more then one thing. whats christmas if you only open one gift right? me and sydne went back to my home a few months ago. it ruled. a lot of drama came out of it though when i got home. i want to go back so bad and see more people and go to the beach so bad. i just need one night on the beach for alone a little bit and id be more better then ever. might graduate this year, and im rying my best so i can. how rad would that be graduating a wholeee year before? i fuckin hope so.

miss

Home.

stupid

So I just got back to iowa a few days ago from visiting home. And I wish I didn't have to come back here. Im so much happier there. Like its not even because of friends, its because of the area. When I was walking in philly, I don't think I was ever happier then I was that moment.

But I had to come back. The only reason I come back, and the only reason im still here is because of robby. I love him so much, and im just as happy in iowa when im with him. But if it was a perfect world, I could go back, and he'd go with me. But I know how it is, you don't wanna leave your sucure ground, and your friends you have had for years.

So I know it won't happen. But itd be amazing if it did. Haha.

Plus I don't expect him to move, so he dosent lose me. Not that he dosent care for me, its just I know he wouldn't.

This summer though, he's coming with me. And I can't wait. I can't wait for him to finally meet my friends. It sucks being with someone for 7 months and them not knowing anyyyy of your friends besides like 3. But I mean like real friends I have. Amazing friends I have. Friends that are my everything. It sucks knowing his friends, but him not knowing mine.

Since were on the subject of him, thinks have been really looking up.last months have always been just shit, and arguing, and doubting the relationship. But finally either, things are hidden better, or hesreally trying. And I hope its him really trying. He's making me as happy as I was in the beginning of when we dated. And that was the best time ever. So hopefully things have changed, and it can always be like this.

School sucks. Im not sure if im going to pass. I have like not even a few days to finish 2 classes that I have so much work in. I really need to step it up. I need to bring work home, cause robby said he'd help me. And that's what I gotta do.

I gotta get that done, and I gotta get my drivers permit or whatever, and then ge my lisence, so I can get a job. Save money, go home, and start school after I graduate.

I need to start taking art classes, and sociology classes. I talked to my middle school counsler who im like bff with. And she said if I wanna be a art therapist, I need to get up on taking those classes.

So I need to do thatttt.

Anyways, bye.

happydays

So I've been here, home, since last wed.
And I've got to say, this is the happiest I have been in awhile.
I forgot how much happier I am here, and how much I truly miss it. It sucks how im not looking forward to going home...at all.
I don't miss anything really.

I plan on coming back here. I really do.

I can't see myself anywhere else.

Im on my way home from N. NJ now. Kinda bummed, we tried finding the devils tree, and of course didn't find it. Ahhaha. But nothing better then late drives & saves the day. Forsure.

Tomorrow im seeing mikey<3 im going to visit him at work. Im excited to see him.

But im sad, don't wanna go to iowa...

I love being happy.

lately

Things have been going so good.
Me and robby had a huge talk a while ago, and i realize he really does love me. and we just need to take time to understand eachother, and talk things out, instead of just bottling everything up. and instead of him taking everything so wrong and getting so mad.

"Love; It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole."

so true.

another thing ive realized is a lot of the kids here...are just big shittalkers, and pussies, cause they wont say anything to anyones faces just behind eachothers backs. so much for calling yourself "bestfriends". stop telling your "friends" it was just a joke, and man up and tell them how you feel.

so ive stopped hanging out with them.

peter, ryan, and mykel are all i need. hahaha. ive been hanging out with them lately, and they are just so much fun, and we go out and do stuff. we dont sit in and play video games or sit on the computer, and best of all, we dont sit and just ramble about people. they are awesome and i wish i would have started to hangout with them sooner.

i go home in 4 days with kaytee for 8 days. i cant wait. vinny is picking us up from the airport, and i cant wait to see him. and were staying with liz, and i cant wait to see her of course. so many people i cant wait to see. exspecially sarabeth and taylor. they will always be my friends through everything. i love them. <3

sb is having her baby soon, i wish i could be there when she has it but i know i wont :/ shes going to be such a good mom.

i cant wait to get out of here for a week.
im truly not really going to miss anyone, but robby really.

then when i get back, gabby will be here<3
which is awesome of course.

so glad everything is looking up.

<3

longgggtime

So its been forever since I posted on this thing. I've been wanting too, just haven't for some reason. Not to sure why actually haha. A lot has happened though.
Im pretty sure I pretty much left off with nick,tyler & gabby coming to visit. Let me tell you, worst weekend of my life. robby and me have never faught to much in one weekend, I never felt like someone I was with didn't care for me at all as much as I did in that weekend. All robby cared about was them, and being friends with them. And fitting in with them, and trying to be bestfriends with them. Im not mad that he got along with them, if anything im glad. But I've never been with someone who can just lie to me face and not care about how they are treating me. I know robby lies about a lot. I know it. And for that reason, im not sure what im even doing..

I've never had someone claim to "love" me, and lie straight to my face,a million times in one night. I've never cried so much in one weekend I don't think.

Yeah, im still with him. Sad part is, he makes me cry so much, but I can't see myself without him.

Anyway, of course after they left everything went to be a okay. Like always. Nick wants to come back, and honest, I want him too I love nick. But I don't want things turning back to shit with me and robby. But I mean..if that's the case I guess we all know what I should do then huh? Yeah. Not diggin' that. But in the long wrong, if things turn out wrong, ill have to do what's going to make me happy in the long run, and deal with the upsetness in the meantime.

But well see what happens yeah?

Next,

My bestfriend got fucked over again by someone who dosent even deserve her. Didn't even deserve a second chance. my bestfriend is the most amazing, beautiful, genuine girl I know. And never derseves to feel pain, ever. Once again, im mad at him I mean, I can't not be friends with him, cause its there relationship, but she's my bestfriend..and I don't like anyone that hurts her. In any way.

:/ I also think im sick. Which sucks super bad. I hate being sick.

Alex, clinton, ryan and robby are here right now. And im just in a shitty mood. I kinda wanna be alone, and go to sleep. For some reason I feel like crying. Things just aren't seeming right. And I have a bad feeling about something. But then again, I trust noone. And constantly assume something bad is going to happen, always.

Tomorrow sydne is coming over then were going to the jdi show. Pretty happy, I love sydne<3

Anyways. Down and out.

<3

im stil trying to figure out

why i still like you..

really happy

had a really goodnight with sammy tonight.
we had a lot of fun. YUP.

anyways, nick and joe ARE coming here now with gabby, and im so excited. i miss the both of them so much its insance. me and nick have one of the bestfriendships ever. we used to date, and i was sucha a bitch to him, and idk why i was. i wish i wasnt. i made a really bad mistake ever breaking up with him. ive never EVER been with a guy that has treated me as good as he did. but at least i have one of the bestfriends ever out of it. i cant wait to see him.
and joe! oh joeyyy. i love joey. hes my favorite. i cant wait to see him. he always makes me happy.
and gabby, well everyone knows shes my other half!

anyways, still debating on a certain decision. im fixing out the pros and cons. and im starting to realize what is better for me, and what is going to make me happy in the LONG run. of course if i make this decision, ill be really upset for awhile. but it will make me happy in the long run. and i wont constantly be upset like i always am. two friends inparticular, cody and gabby, constantly ask me, ask yourself why your still dealing with what your dealing with? and...sometimes...i dont have any reason.
:/

idk ill figure this out.

ill say this over & over again

i hate liars.

ugh pt. a million

I hate when you bitch about someone/something and people say, god do you ever give "it" or the person a break? And make me seem like I have no reasons. Well so everyone knows, and somepeople already do know I bitch so much about a certain person because I have reasons too. The person isn't so sweet and nice as you think they are.

Bye.

so sick

i hate when people arent honest.
all i want from you is honesty.


heart, feels like its broken, always.

classs/snow/sucks

so i woke up this morning, and theres snow everywhere! i am still not used to having all this snow all the time. it sucks, cause i used to love snow, and now i hate it!

i have class soon, and since last week ive been going at 12 and not having class till about 2.
since i finished my one class early, i dont have to go, so i have a extra long lunch. so i get there, sitin advisory for about 20 minutes, and have lunch for about...2 hours!
then have a class! its stupid.

everyday but today though i get out at 1 which rules.

thursday i start my 2 new classes, which are bio1 and funds of writing. not to worried about the writing, cause ive always been told i was good. but at EASTERN, i failed bio. so well see!

TPTD and FTFD show this weekend, SOOO NOT STOKED, i dont like either of the bands, im only going so i can go with kaytee and aaron.

my friend told me to stay away from joe cause he might "do something" to me if im near him.
i cant believe someone of his age, would take me making fun of his band so seriously, seriously enough to be a dick. how old are you? growup.

i wasnt going to go, i was going to hangout with sydne instead, but she broke her damn car!
but im going now, and truth is, im not scared of him, because i think its insane at how he took so much offensive to me making fun of his band. but my ex boyfriend joe, had "mean" friends at shows, that are alot more then anything then he will ever be. so im not scared hahha. never would me. he isnt anything special. but i dont like going to shows, with some immature "boy" who would fuck with me. just not worth it. but aaron told me he wouldnt do shit, and if he did to tell him. but im not like that, cause i can handle things myself. but that was rad of aaron.

anyways, thats my update.
bye!

sosickkk

im more then sick of the feelings i have been feeling. im sick of my tummy feeling crappy because my mood and head feel crappy. i hate all these thoughts and insecurities going through my head always. i just wish i knew everything. or well..maybe that wouldnt be a good idea. i wouldnt want to find out something i dont know, that would probably hurt me terribly. but i also want to know that im not going to be hurt in the longrun. or whatever. idk. im sick of being so insecure about everything. but i cant help it. after seeing one thing, of course im going to feel like this constantly now. 

sorry to people who are reading this, and have no idea what i am talking about. some do. but i dont wanna write to much about what im talking about in detail.

ohwell. i guess ill never no. and no matter how much reassurence i get, ill always feel this way.

always.

looking up

So today was actually a good day for the most part. went to school nd it was fun. then went to burger king with zach and this girl, i forget her name :( shes super nice though.
but it was fun to hangout with people i dont normally hangout with.
also! i made a new friend, and her name is kaytee, and shes super sweet and cute.
we have this date thing, where every monday we get together and watch the city and daddys girls, cause were dumb :)
haha.

we went to the mall last night, and i bought gabby the besttt xmas gift ever. i know, late! but i see her in FEB so not that late! haha.
shes going to love it. of course, i told her wht it was and had to show her.
its a FLASK! haha thats green and says PEACE on it.
shes all about peace and a drinker, so why not?

a lot has been on my mind about robby, but thats stuff i dont really want to write on her.

:/ but whateverrr!

anyways, really lame ftfd and tptd show the 16th, im going with kaytee.
ohwell.

slipknot is soon which will be fun, last time was legit.

trapped under ice is the 18th, im gonna miss it :(
but oh well. ill hopefully be able to catch them another time.


so ive decided i want to legitally become a witch.
im gonna look up how to become a wiccan and all that stuff, so hopefully i can do it!
charmed is my fav show, and always has been. i know being a wiccan is nothing like charmed, but close enough. its so awesome and so cool. so hopefully i can do it!

<3

fucking retarded.

Its about 6 in the morning and im at alexs house, laying on the couch curled up in a blanket. Its so fucking cold. And all they are doing is playing video games. Im so bored. Like sweet life? I bet.

The descision I made with a certain thing ( few will know what im talking about ). Im not even sure I made the right choice. Like im probably, forsure, just setting myself up for lies. But ohwell. Ill see what happens. Im a strong person and that's all that matters in the end.

Frank is slowly but surely not hating me again, I think. I hope so. I miss him a lot. So he needs to stop hating me haha.

Also, in feb. Gabby is finally coming here<3 and I can't wait, I've missed her so much. And the best part about it it, I think nick dumb is coming with her. Sup stoked, 2nd after gabby I've missed him sooo fucking much. So it will be good to see him :]

My eyes are burning and im tired.

Bye.